Breakable
by Maura-boo-147
Summary: Basically thisis a multi chap bout Gill. Itz mostly Gillian drabbleXD the chaps are in no particulasr order. they're kinda messed up actually...
1. Breakable

**Disclaimer- I do not own lie to me or any of it's characters :(**

_Breakable_

I gaze at my reflection in the mirror.

The light reflects weirdly off of my pale skin, and the dark circles under my eyes mark another bout of nightmares.

We're going to Vegas for a case. I know what to expect.

He's going to be a complete- no. I won't say it. I don't want to expect the negative.

Most people see me as sickeningly happy, including Cal.

But they're wrong. That's just a mask that I wear to fool the world. To protect myself.

People are like sharks. They can smell the blood of a wounded animal for miles.

Once they taste it they can't, won't, stop the frenzy.

They'll keep going until they suck you dry.

Never show weakness. A lesson I learned early on in life.

I work quietly, methodically. A practiced hand concealing all imperfections.

As I work, I wonder idly what it would be like to _really_ be happy.

Cal says I'm a terrible liar, but _that's_ the lie.

I almost laugh at the irony. I don't laugh. Never genuinely.

You might think that it would be terrible to live your whole life acting,

but reality is worse.

Pretending to be happy is better than having the ones you love hurt with you.

Yes, I love them. Cal, Emily, Ria, Eli, and even Reynolds. They're my family.

I gaze at my reflection in the mirror.

My eyes are blue today.

It takes me all of six seconds to bring a happy sparkle to them.

I smile. It looks perfect. Not even Cal can see through.

What no one knows is that I'm a natural. I've been able to read people since I was four.

That was when my life went so wrong. When I lost my _ability_ to be happy.

The woman I see in the mirror, with her eyes sparkling and a smile on her face, perfect, is a complete stranger.

The Gillian Foster that I know isn't perfect,

She's _breakable_.


	2. Empty

**Disclaimer: I do not own lie to me or any of it's characters :(**

I look deep into his eyes, knowing that as soon as I'm gone he's going to go straight to _her_.

I can't bear to call her by her name anymore.

Turning to Cal, I can feel the difference in my expression. My eyes instantly soften.

Suddenly this overwhelming desire fills me to kiss him. To slam him against the taxi and press myself to him, feeling his lips move against mine.

I know my husband's standing behind me, making the idea that much more enjoyable.

I'm not sure what's come over me, but I think I like it.

Instead of giving Alec a deadly dose of his own medicine, though, I turn towards the taxi.

"See ya." I say in Cal's direction, completely ignoring Alec, before sliding into the back seat.

I know I won't see _him_ later. Maybe tomorrow morning, while I'm getting ready for work. He'll pretend he's been home all night. But I'll notice the dark circles under his eyes. Of course I won't say anything, I never do. The one time I did ended with him saying that I wasn't allowed to work with Cal anymore. And me screaming that I can do whatever the hell I want, and wishing that there weren't tears streaming down my face.

He never stops about _Cal_.

Sometimes, on the rare occasions when we spend the night together, he'll start by casually asking me about work.

Trying to inconspicuously pump me for information.

What he did, how he acted, what he said. He only ever pushes whenever it includes me. Anything less than professional partners who hardly know each other, and he wants to kill him. I don't understand why. He hardly even knows me. Alec, I mean.

Some nights I lie awake and wonder why he married me. He never says he loves me. He hardly ever even says my name.

I look back. Trying to catch one last glimpse of Cal before I go home to my empty house. But he's disappeared.

I watch Alec as he walks in the opposite direction of the house. I know I should feel angry, or sad, or _something_. But I don't.

I don't think of Alec as my husband anymore. He's more the roommate who only comes home for a few hours a week to eat, sleep, and take a shower.

With a jolt I realize that I don't love him anymore. That maybe I never really _did_ love him.

My gaze fills with suspicion as I notice a small silver car follow Alec, keeping a safe distance from him.

I ask the driver if he can turn around. Follow the silver car, I say.

I'm not sure how, but I instantly knew that Cal was following Alec. Instantly I knew- _he_ knew.


	3. Silence Fills Our Sorrow

Disclamer:I do not own lie to me :( Silence Fills Our Sorrow

I'm not sure why it happened. Maybe I'm destined to be in pain.  
Maybe it's because goodbye is the first word I ever said.  
I don't know why I had to lose my baby. I don't think I ever will.  
Why did it have to be me that couldn't have children? Why not one of those hundreds of women on birth control?  
And then they took Sophie. The little girl I named after my baby sister,  
who never got to see her first birthday, or say her first word.  
I used to talk to her, when I was a teenager.  
I'd tell her that I loved her. That if she hadn't died, I would've taken care of her. That she would always be my little sissy.  
That I missed her enough to make up for our parents indifference.  
Sophie looked so much like her. I was only three when she died, but I remember her face like I remember Ben's.  
Like it was branded on my eyelid's.  
I still have her blanket, the one she came home from the hospital in.  
Sophie used to use it, before they took her.  
I'd made Amber promise not to take her away,  
I'd told her that the little life inside of her meant more to me than my own.  
But apparently she didn't care.  
After I lost Sophie, I'd tried to kill myself. No one besides Alec knew.  
He was the one who wrestled the gun out of my hand.  
"Just let me go! Alec! I don't want to hurt anymore! I lose everything I love! I can't live in pain anymore!" I screamed at him, sobbing at the same time.  
"You haven't lost me. You won't lose me. You won't lose Cal, or the Lightman Group."  
He'd been desperate, or he wouldn't have mentioned Cal.  
After that, Alec started to drift away. He started to work late.  
He avoided me. I had scared him.  
He didn't even want to touch me now.  
I remember the night he picked me up from work late.  
We'd just hired Torres, and her, Cal, and I were talking when he came into the lab. It was silent for a moment before he said, "Sorry, I had to work late."  
"It's okay." I told him.  
I walked towards him, leaned in, and kissed him. I fought back tears as he went rigid.  
"Did you see that? He just lied to her." Torres' voice drifed towards me as I walked outside. That was the first time I ever became suspicious.  
We shared our sorrow seperatly. There were nights when he was home, and he'd sleep on the couch. Not even bothering to pretend.  
Those were the nights when I felt the most alone, when I thought of Ben.  
Some people might call it Stockholm Syndrome, others insanity. But I think it's something else.  
I think that I really did love Ben. That maybe I still do. He was my father. He might not have been biologically,  
but what did that matter?  
For two years, he gave up everything for me.  
Including Callie. Her mother took her away from him.  
I saw the pain in Alec's eyes when I attempted suicide. I knew that it was gone. Our love.  
We don't love each other anymore.  
pain fills our hearts, and silence fills our sorrow. 


	4. Monster In The Closet Part One

Thanx 4 reviewing! Just 2 clear this up Ben is NOT reynolds!LOL sry 4 any mixups!

MONSTER IN THE CLOSET- Part One

I was four years old.

Still a baby to my parents.

You'd think they would've taken better care of their baby.

But my father was too busy with his alchohol for a little girl,

and my mother was preoccupied with worshipping the ground my older

brother walked on.

So I was left alone, to fend for myself.

One day I decided to go play at the park across the street. Alone.

I didn't even _try_ to tell my parents where I was going.

And even if I had wanted to, I couldn't. I didn't talk yet.

I knew how, but they say that I refused to.

They sent me to a therapist when I was nine, and still not talking.

But no one really cared.

It didn't scare me when a red car just managed to swerve around me

as I crossed the street. I was fearless then.

As I walked into the park, I noticed a man sitting on

one of the benches watching me. I smiled at him and waved.

I grinned even wider when he smiled back.

I headed straight for the swings. I loved the feeling of freedom that I had

while flying through the air. Like I was leaving all of my sadness behind.

There was another little girl there, Callie.

She was five, only a year older than I was.

After about an hour her father came towards us with ice cream.

He was the man I'd waved to earlier.

"I thought you might want some, so I bought two."

He said to me.

I nodded.

"She doesn't talk. Her name's Gillian." Callie told him.

"Gillian, that's a pretty name. Do you mind if I call you Gill? My name's Ben"

I blushed and nodded again, taking a bite of ice cream,

forgetting that it was cold.

My face must've been hilarious, because Callie and Ben burst out laughing.

Indignantly I narrowed my eyes and placed my hands on my hips,

causing them to laugh harder.

_It's not funny!_ I thought.

"Okay, okay. We get it. Stop laughing." He said, raising his hands in surrender.

Ben sat and watched Callie and I for a while, laughing when I smeared ice cream on her face.

By the time it was getting dark we'd had an all out ice cream fight.

And Ben had to apologize to a few parents for their kids going home a bit stickier than when they'd come.

he didn't seem to mind, though.

"Callie, it's time to go home."

"But daddy, I wanna stay here with Gill!"

"Gill has to go home too sweetheart."

I was suddenly filled with dread.

I'd never stayed out so late before, and I was covered in ice cream!

Without thinking I ran towards Ben and threw my arms around him.

_I don't wanna go home! _I screamed in my head,

wishing he could hear me.

"I promise we'll be here tomorrow. At noon okay?"


	5. MITCPart 2 Blessings & Curses

**MONSTER IN THE CLOSET- Part Two: Blessings and Curses**

Once I asked why Callie wasn't in school, and he said that she didn't want to go,

and he wouldn't make her until she was ready.

I worshipped him. He was the one who picked me up every time I fell, who cared about whether I was happy,

who hugged me very day before walking me home.

I was just happy that someone knew I existed.

One day when I went to meet them, I can remember every detail except what day it was, Callie wasn't with him.

_Where's Callie?_ I thought.

Ben always knew what I was thinking. I know now that he was a natural. He didn't know how he knew what people were feeling,

thinking, or when they were lying, but he did.

"Callie's not here today."

_Is she sick?_

"No, she's with her mom."

That suprised me. I hadn't ever thought about Callie having a mom.

Just Ben.

Whenever Callie wasn't there, Ben and I would just sit and talk.

Well, he would talk. I would think, feel.

I'd always watched people. And I started to notice patterns in his face when he said certian things.

I didn't understand them yet, but I would.

I know now that Ben used those days to get closer to me, to gain my trust a little at a time.

But to this day I'm still not sure if I regret what happened to me.

It still doesn't feel like a curse, more of a blessing.


	6. MITC3Scars

**MONSTER IN THE CLOSET- PART THREE: SCARS**

That night, the beatings started.

I can never remember more than fragments, random memories of a large hand whistling through the air towards me, or a glass bottle being hurled at my head.

I'm reminded every day by the scars.

Every morning I hide them. No one ever sees.

I place a lock of hair over the small white scar just above my eyebrow,

pull up the V neck of my shirt to hide the one on my chest,

and apply foundation to each of the other countless marks my father left on me.

I shudder as I feel the shadow of his iron grip on my ankle.

I'm still haunted at night by the lingering terror.

Then I was a child. _His_ child.

I was in the kitchen munching happily on a cookie when a loud banging came from the front of the house.

Then I heard my father's voice calling out my mother's name.

_Mommy's not here._ I thought.

I was completely at ease when he came storming into the kitchen. Again, fearless.

"Whatch you doin' in here?" He growled.

I shrugged.

"Answer me girl!"

I stared at him cooly. _I don't talk._

"Your mother's too soft on you, brat! I'll _make_ you listen!" He snarled furiously, hurling the half filled bottle he'd been holding.

I tried to duck underneath the table, but I was too slow.

Tears streamed down my face as the sharp scent of blood filled my nostrils, and my vision went black...


	7. MITC4 Did I Fall?

MONSTER IN THE CLOSET- Part Four: Did I Fall?

It was one of those days where Callie was with her mother.

At the end of the day, instead of hugging me, Ben knelt down in front of me and looked into my eyes.

"Gill, are you okay?"

I nodded.

He eyed my bruises disbelievingly.

_I fell._ I lied.

"You didn't fall. Who's hurting you?"

I didn't notice it until later, but one of those patterns flashed across his face when he said it.

_Of course I didn't fall! But I can't tell you that._

Ben just sighed and hugged me tightly.

"Be careful, okay? And remember, no one has the right to hurt you. Have you got that?" He asked, pulling back to look into my eyes.

I nodded dutifully.

"Good." He said, seeming a bit more relieved.

"Come on, Gill." He said, faking a smile.

_Wait! I need Sophie's blanket._

My baby sister died when I was three. Sometimes I would lie awake and wonder where she was now.

My mother used to say that she was in heaven, and that God was watching over her.

I'm not sure if I believe her anymore.

I ran to the bench that I always laid the blanket on while I played.

I didn't noice Ben watching me with an anxious expression, or the way his hands were curling into fists,

I was too concentrated on keeping mself from shaking.


	8. MITC5 Reflection

**MONSTER IN THE CLOSET- Part Five: Reflection**

I was six. Still not talking. But that was me.

No one expected me to.

And somehow I still managed to be the most disruptive kid in my class.

And I was killer at charades.

I look around the classroom to see if my teacher's watching.

I suddenly stand up and start dancing behind my chair.

My classmates burst out laughing.

Before my teacher even turns around, I'm back in my seat and working on my math.

She never could catch me.

"Gillian!"

_Darn it!_ I'd forgotten about the TV. She'd seen everything.

_Note to self: Avoid reflective surfaces._

"Come here. Now."

I rolled my eyes. What was the worst that could happen?

I'd never been caught before, so I didn't know what to expect.

"Gillian, why did you do that?" She asked.

I shrugged. _Dunno. 'Cause it's fun._

"Are things okay at home?"

This startled me. What would me dancing in class have to do with home?

"Why don't you talk?'

Shrug.

"You know you're going to have to start talking sometime."

Another shrug.

"Can you do anything besides shrug."

I nodded.

"Go sit back down." She sighed. "And do your work." She added sternly.

As I walked away, I unconciously pulled the collar of my shirt to make sure that the large bruise across my throat was covered.

My father had come home drunk the night before. Again.

The scenario repeated nearly every night now, the only thing that ever really differed was the injury.

And if I was honest, my little jokes in class were a way to stay awake, and distracted.

I still met Ben almost everyday.

Hell, sometimes he'd pick me up from _school_.

I was jerked out of my thoughts as the bell rang.

"Turn in your work and then you can leave." My teacher was saying.

I glanced down at the nearly empty worksheet laying in front of me.

_Oh well. She'll live._

"Gillian..."

I twisted around in my seat to see my teacher looking over my shoulder.

"You're not leaving until that's finished."

My mouth dropped open. _Seriously?_

"Don't look at me like that. You have to start turning in your work." She said gently.

_I'm not a baby. _I thought resentfully.

After I'd finished my work and _finally_ been allowed to leave, I ran outside.

Sure enough, there was Ben, waiting for me.

_Ben!_ I thought as he lifted me up into his arms.

"Hey Gill. How was your day?"

One look at my face told him how my day had been.

"Well, why don't you tell me about it?" He asked, taking a small notebook and a pen out of his jacket pocket.

After all, a person's face can only tell you so much, and then you need words...


	9. Thinking Of You

**Gillian is remembering the baby boy that she had that died soon after he was born. Cal was the father. **

**This actually ties into a multi-chap fic that I'm working on.**

She lays awake, staring at the ceiling.

Her vision filled with her most teriffying memory.

His little baby-blue eyes stare up at her, and the sound of his weakening newborn cry fills her ears.

She's hugging him tightly to her chest, begging him to stay with her.

Then she's screams in agony as his breathing slows to a stop,

and is jerked back to the present by the sound of the doorbell ringing.

She almost smiles through her tears, almost.

She knows that it could only be Cal, it was too late for anyone else.

She opens the door slowly, to see Cal standing in the rain, soaking wet and breathing heavily.

Before she can say a word, he pulls her to him and whispers into her ear.

"I know luv. I was thinking of him too."


	10. Vacant Nightmares

**I'm just going to make this clear now, Gillian is having a nightmare. This does not really happen.**

Gillian Foster hears the gunshot.

Her heartbeat quickens.

A glance at the monitor shows her the meaning of fear.

Cal's laying on the floor, blood gushing from beneath his shirt.

For a moment their eyes meet each other's, and then his body convulses.

She runs into the lab, too numb to tell whether she's crying.

Reynolds is standing in the doorway, stunned.

She shoves him aside and bursts into the room,

then collapses down beside him and holds his face between her pale hands.

Gillian watches as the pool of blood that she's kneeling in grows, and his breathing slows

to a halt.

She calls his name desperatly, but the vacant look in his eyes tells her that he's already gone.

Numbly she lays her head onto his still chest and stays there until the police come.

She doesn't hear them tell her that she has to leave.

Without a word to anyone, she kisses his cold lips softly and walks away, oblivious to everything around her.

All she can hear is his voice.

**Ya wanna hear somfing funny? I asked my sister to read this, and her only response was..**

**"Big words." This is coming from my sister, who despises Cal with a **_**passion**_**.**

**Anywho, I'm all depressed now from writing this. So it'll probably have near the same effect on you guyz.**

**So, sry! Read and Review, the usual *shrug* luv you all to BUNCHES! - Kelli3**

**(BTW: I sound happy becuz Im tryin not 2 cry /3)**


	11. Rain In The Ocean

Gillian watches him.

She sees how he looks at random women that walk by, and she can't help but notice how most of them are young and blonde.

She drifts slowly into depression. He doesn't notice.

Gillian straightens her hair in the morning instead of curling it. He still doesn't notice.

She hasn't worn anything colorful in weeks, zero.

She doesn't smile or laugh, zip.

She barely eats, and... nada.

He doesn't even glance at her curled up asleep in the room that used to be Sophie's,

her baby girl's teddy bear clutched in her arms.

And he didn't notice her that night.

The night she came home with her head bandaged and her arm in a sling.

He had apparently expected her to be working late, because he and the blonde that was with him obviously didn't think she'd be home.

She ended it right then and there.

Gillian hid her divorce from Cal, until she finally caved into his worried questions and told him.

Now she sits on a park bench, her shoulders hunched wearily.

Her hands shake as sobs wrack her small form, and her tears fall.

She watches the ripples they make in the surface of a puddle, disappearing like rain in the ocean.


	12. that dark place

**ME: Thanks to all who have reviewed so far. I am sorry to say that it will only get more depressing from here on out. My Grandfather just died.**

Breakable: **that dark place**

"She's a beautiful woman."

The empty hallway echoes with the sound of my heels as I run from his office and the sound of Clara's voice. I feel tears coursing down my face and I resist the urge to retrieve the knife from the lower left-hand drawer of my desk.

** that dark place**

I run to my car, start the engine, and drive too fast away from the parking garage. Trying to outrun the inevitable, as always.

**that dark place**

I stumble into my usual bar. The blonde woman behind the bar wordlessly hands me a drink, without even looking up. It's been a routine for years now, she never asks questions. Maybe that's why I like it here...

**that dark place**

I've lost count of how many drinks I've had, and I'm too drunk to count the bottles littering the bar in front of me. I pay the bartender and begin the long walk home. After five blocks I kick off my heels and leave them, and by the sixth I'm too tired to keep going. I pad wearily into a dark, narrow alley between two apartment buildings and sink wearily to the cold concrete, resting my back against the brick wall behind me.

**that dark place**

I lay my head back and close my eyes, summoning a survival technique I learned at the age of nine. All of my thoughts cease and the sound of tires on wet pavement fades into the background as I allow myself to sink deeply into **that dark place**.


End file.
